Tag Archives: dysfunctional

Her-ling (n., v.): Olympics-Level TV Reality Show Female Bashing

10 May

Self-esteem is just bad TV. In the industry that means “bad” for ratings, as in not entertaining.  Or so it seems by today’s prevailing littered landscape of cheap-to-produce reality shows. And our female role training is incomplete without some good ole culturally traditional women-on-women trash talkin’, table flippin’, hair pullin’ hataration. A Parents Television Council (PTC) study has shown that the channel targeting youth most, MTV, uses women to sell female humiliation. And oh yes it is! possible to become de-sensitized to insensitivity.

The only TV reality show contrary to this female-hating/-demeaning trend that pops to mind is ‘Bethenny Ever After’. But in its season two, even this show has become a therapy-lint-gazing, self-promoting, Skinny-marriage-on-the-rocks-Girl commercial. Great. The only one of us who is celebrated and represented by the media as “making it,” (edit, inconclusive to date :has to resort to bloating her financial worth, and by acting like a Showboaty, Inspiration-dispensing Blingy Oprah-bot to be deemed interesting enough for us to watch.

Ladies, work your ADD-trained media memory way back to two whole party Saturdays ago when the Rodney King/LA race riots had their 20th. The most famous, ungrammatical phrase of that event applies to the vast majority of women on reality TV: “Can we all just get along?” I don’t know. Can we, chicas?

To further put my challenge in reality TV show speak: “I am a growed ass wo-man who don’t know why other biotches can’t just stop their hating, and get each other’s back.” In other words, maturity and self-esteem (vs. ginormous ego) are ratings killers, so you will just have to go experience these things to practice and build them off-line, in the Real World and work on it for yourself. No script. No season storyline. No instant fame whoring gratification for being famous as a fame whore.

As unglam as that sounds, trust me, the rewards are high, sustainable and doesn’t produce belly fat, muffins.

Here are a few resources to help you and/or the young and impressionable females in your life understand and challenge how the media represents, packages and sells “acceptable female” images right back to us all:

Dove’s Self-Esteem workshop toolkit.

Miss Representation.

The Gena Davis Insitute.

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© 2010-2012 Simone da Rosa and PopSmartsZen™. All rights reserved.

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Oops!, Chris Brown Did It Again

1 Jan

Former good boy Disney singer turned notorious girlfriend beater, Chris Brown, is still evolving — this time into a homophobic Twit. Even though he’s apologizing to former B2K star RazB, Brown’s growing pattern still shows signs of his (albeit successful yet) highjacked childhood’s lack of discipline and character-building boundaries. Not to mention airing his dirty homophobic, misogynistic, abusive psychology for all the world to see. Who’s your mama, again?? And why do you think young fans should pay to be influenced by you?

To get back at RazB’s comments condemning how badly he treated his ex- Rihanna, Brown slap-Tweeted RazB’s previous allegations of sexual assault during his time in B2K: “”Tell me this. … Why when the money was coming in u won’t complaining (sic) about getting bu**plugged!”

I don’t care how old he’s getting, Chris Brown’s growth trajectory shows he needs (and missed out on) a good spanking — if that’s too unPC for you, then an indefinite Time Out with expectations he grow up and start thinking of someone other than himself.

Support your own best values — stop funding Chris Brown’s allowance now.   — PopSmartsZen


Image: ethanol4all

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Rhianna: Influential Siren for Anger Management

8 Sep

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

Well that’s alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

—Rhianna’s chorus, Love the Way You Lie

No matter what key you sing it in, those are some controversial lyrics. This Eminem and Rhianna ditty also ranks #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100, Rap, and Ringtones lists for the past 10 weeks. Those are the words kids have been listening to on TV, in heavy rotation, and every time their phone Pavlovianly rings for two and-a-half months during their summer break by two of the most popular and controversial music artists around. After Rhianna’s beating by ex-Disney ex- Chris Brown earlier this year, how do you feel about her serenading your kids that she likes how it hurts by her B/F? What about the perennial down and hard-core Eminem’s so-called cleaned up self coming back after a three year hiatus crooning:

Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?

Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball

Next time I’m pissed, I’ll aim my fist at the drywall

Next time? There won’t be no next time

I apologize, even though I know it’s lies

I’m tired of the games, I just want her back. I know I’m a liar

If she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again,

I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

I’m just gonna

One mommy of tween girls is disgusted by the abuse of Rhianna’s powerful sway over young girls (and women much older) and says, “These women have not only personal responsibility, but a professional responsibility. I get that Rihanna may not actually have a clue about the effects of what she’s putting out there just by her personal life—patterns of abusive men 1) manager who stole all her money, 2) Chris Brown 3) new boyfriend accused of abusing his last girlfriend—but let’s face it, a song condoning getting hit and threatened by a boyfriend should clearly register with her brain as this is not an ok message to send. You know, that’s why there are laws that you can’t tell people to kill someone or commit violence on the radio or TV. People listen to this info from celebs and think differently about it. Crazy, silly and scary…but true. And let’s be real, Rihanna is no one our girls should be emulating.”

While another friend and mommy of teenaged girls tells me, “Is he rapping it for her or is she singing it for him or vice versa. They both lived it, the day it happened, my girls took Chris Brown off their iPods and he’s never been back. They think she’s watching this happen to her but because she THINKS thier love is so intense, she makes excuses but eventually, she gets burned (not literally) cause she’s only fooling herself. For him, he knows he can lie and she will stay until he can’t live with himself for doing this but won’t live without her, not so far fetched…..sadly. The message is, look what’s happening if you’re on the outside, this is what it looks like, wake up or this can happen.”

I think clearly there is an age and guidance issue at hand — hey!, maybe that old Tipper Gore’s Parental Advisory thing wasn’t sooo far off the mark, despite its (lower case) nazi tendencies. I very much doubt 11-year old PopSmartie pants would have thought this was a pro-violence song, but that would be directly because of the world I live/-ed in. What about those of a malleable age who live in homes with less responsible adult guidance, environments and school cliches where it’s considered “strong” to be abusive, and so many other places where it’s awesome just to have a man…any man?

Hear it & watch it and sound off in Comments.

Image: Aftermath Records

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“Surrogates” You, Only Perfect

3 Sep

This is not a movie but an existentialism review. “Surrogates” a Bruce Willis sci-fi B-movie, for me raised some grade-A questions about our flawed human existences: What does it mean to be human; What would you explore from the comfort of never leaving your home; What could you be if you were perfect — and Would the world actually be a better place if we were all perfect? Stretches of this flick feature Willis as a flawless-skinned, freaky blond wig-wearing Surrogate (e.g., robot) detective in the near future where the crime rates are down 99% in a society where the “real” people/Operators live through their “surrogate” robots/units, which represent them and dominate in the Real World.

Genuinely Fake

The best bits include when a hot hunky unit shows himself to wildly misrepresent his shaloompa oompa real life Operator — just like most trawlers at online dating sites. And then there is Willis’ screen wife’s perfect surrogate whose bears no resemblance to her burnt out Operator’s dysfunction and broken down addictions. [Potential spoilers alert!, stop reading here if you intend to see this movie and want to be surprised. Beyond that, I'm trusting that if you are reading this, you are bona fide REAL Operator who gets the meanings I try to put out there about the empowerment of tuning IN in our media-pop culture. Mamacitas, in the vernacular of this film, you are most likely coded to your own neural signature!]

Tuning IN to Feel Your Self Up

I’m para-quoting a pivotal speech by anti-surrogate leader, the Prophet (Ving Rhames): “When you sacrifice your own personal desires to the greater cause, a greater good, you never die…you never disappear. That is what it means to be human. You can try to escape by living through a puppet…but deep down inside you know you’re living a lie. …we know the truth. We sacrifice many modern pleasures and conveniences to feel truly connected, not with machines, but with ourselves. This is the human condition. This is what gives life meaning. My friends, soon will come the day when surrogacy must end. That day, I promise you is close at hand. The day we get a second chance.” Whoa, deep, dude. Later when Willis’ real Operator character gets a beating from his bodyguards, the Prophet says, “It’s different when you actually feel the pain, isn’t it?”

So in our days of climate change and personal and global financial crises, this timely popcorn movie made me think hard about the eternal Why am I here and How do I roll?- existential questions that haunt us humans — uhh, at least if, as Carrie Fisher puts it, you’re culturally lucky enough to have time to have such “high class problems.”

When I’m feeling off my game and need to deal with very human angst , I log off and tune IN to listen to my body’s wisdom. What is it telling me about how I actually feel about how cleanly I’m living my life on all levels, female aging in our culture, or when I eff up small- or big-time with someone? What are the states of my stomach (related to 3rd chakra), neck (5th) or chest (4th) trying to tell me? I breathe deeply and consciously send a healing golden light wherever needed, breathing in the energy of self-acceptance and repeat, “When I know better, I do better,” and breathing out anxiety and self-doubt from the affected places. Ten times is a meditation. I thank my body’s wisdom and guidance.

How do you embrace your imperfections? Own your flawed humanity? Or while you’re developing that skill as habit, how do you represent your best self out in the Real World? Are you a misrepresentin’ Surrogate (including cosmetics, diet, Spanx utilitarianism, plastic surgeries), or do you spend your valuable life denying a dysfunction (until it maybe manifests as a dis-ease)? Does your Operator self-numb with, or aggressively disdain technology (texting, or the much-aligned TV)? Is it possible to ever feel 100% free to be ourselves, aging, sagging, smart-alternately-not-so-smart selves as our true flesh and blood Operating selves? Another way to ask this question is: Do you walk your talk more than half the time?

Image: Disney, Touchstone Pictures

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All in the Dysfuctional Family

12 Aug

Three decades ago, All in the Family started the controversy ball rolling by featuring Archie Bunker’s barking bigotry against the backdrop of his quarrelsome yet loving family. That was a new and shocking dose of reality in a sitcom, but the program I reeeally came to love was the first family-featured reality show The Osbournes (MTV, 2002-2005) starring rock star Ozzy, his wife Sharon and two of their kids — because they reminded me of my own family in so many ways — uh, sans the rock-n-roll drugs, bats, goth crosses and non-housebroken dog pack, that is. What I instantly recognized was their snappy loud-mouthed, high functioning family dynamic.

The phrase “dysfunctional family” is as misunderstood and misused as the word  “karma” by our culture. Webster’s defines dysfunctional it as “not functioning normally or properly,” and Buzzle.com defines it in more psychological and sociological terms: “…A disastrous unit where repeated malfunctioning is the rule.” Yet its misusage by so many if not most people appears to indicate that they think it includes family yelling or the drunk relative at holiday time. While constantly speaking very loudly to each other may signal a mindlessly ingrained poor habit and/or a familial cultural reflection, what I really wonder is: Does a media-pop culture that increasingly abuses the phrase “dysfunctional family” do so from paucity of actual functional role models, fueled by an encouragement of its own judgmental narrow-mindedness? Simply put, does watching families (and couples) fight on TV make us feel superior or at least better about our own situation(s)? Do we emulate in our relationships, and/or pass on what we “learn” from these show to our kids?

Dysfunction Junction

While The Osbournes show featured their wacky antics and animated family communications edited for entertainment value (I loved when their crazy ass high-drama included a regular percussive beat of Beep! over their offensive language), regular viewers could plainly see their obvious love for one another week to week. Heck, even Dr. Phil featured them on his stage and proclaimed them to be a loving and functional clan. How can a family that most of the general public labels as dysfunctional, be concluded as being a responsible, loving and functional family by professional observers, sociologists and doctors alike?

Ouch!: The Narrow-minded “Hug”

If the Osbournes are labeled “functional” maybe our media-pop culture/Ourselves need a new definition of the word dysfunctional. As I see it, “dysfunctional” is simply a term used by some therapists and show producers to heighten and sell drama as a something here needs to be “fixed” product. They’re not the only culprits: our widespread misuse and constant abuse of this word seems to give narrow-minded people (e.g., those feel the need to take their own personal life and standards and force them on everyone else. In a tolerant society, it’s necessary to learn that people who are not exactly like us are not necessarily “dysfunctional”) permission to apply it to new people and circumstances they know little to nothing about, have not dealt with in the past, and tend to be afraid to deal with in the present moving forward. In other words: Prime, USDM(-edia) Approved judgment sells shows, potentially unnecessary therapy(-ies), and goods.

New! and Imploded

Sure, historically there have been plenty of TV families (real and reality) for us to view: the blended Brady Bunch and single-mom Partridge Family were highly rate households alongside Bunker’s colorful nuclear clan, and much more recently, there’s the Kardashians (who I wanted to hate, but to whose genuine sisterhood-embracing antics I find myself often saying, “Right on, chicas!”).

However, now there’s a much more insidious trend emerging on the TV-family line up. If TV programs are meant to imitate or reflect life, what do current reality shows — now regularly starring formerly abused, addicted and/or victimized women, and including conveying sexuality in “survivor” terms — such as Kendra (E!) formerly of the Playboy Mansion, currently of her own reality shows fame (not to mention  the abusive antics of cast members on any of the ‘The Real Housewives’ (fill-in-the-city) series), say about our culture? Are there more of these shows purely for entertainment value and ratings, does this help shed light on formerly closeted issues, and/or is this increasingly a reflection of our culture’s grasp and practice of “relationships” and “family”?

Oh and, honey. This isn’t about simply turning it off or not watching. These shows ah sooow ohn! Everywhere. Your kids and their friends are watching. So…what shows — reality or otherwise — have best reflected your own family experience to you? How do they make you feel? Do you enjoy shows that feature people who seem more “broken” than you feel you and your family to be? If so own it but know: why? Do you feel our culture has become more, less dysfunctional, or stayed about the same, over the past decade?

Images: The Osbournes, MTV. Real Housewives of Atlanta, SlightlySarcastic.net.

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Wish List: Celeb Look-alike Plastic Surgery

4 Aug

At the risk of sounding completely self-absorbed or vain, I’m going to put this right out there as I see it. I was considered a Pretty Girl growing up, getting regular praise for something completely out of my control and not of my core self — and as a result, feeling strangely uncomfortable about it from a very young age on. Maybe I didn’t totally believe it, or more likely I saw it as a very small window of “opportunity” relative to my lifetime, and so I actively and deliberately chose to work on developing my personality, sense of humor and personal growth in multi areas. I expect(ed) a lot of and for myself (as my mother drug-pushered onto me:) owing to my talents expressed as action of not hard but smart work. But enough about me. This is what I think about us.

Today’s self-indulgent yet self-hating vanity looks a lot like some sort of ‘50s, Stepford Wives, The Rules backlash to my Feminist 2.0 eyes. Let me be clear I am not against any cosmetic surgery if the person is doing this only for themselves and after real deliberation, and research and comparison (i.e., doctors’ Before/After computer renderings). As I believe myself to have stated clearly above, I’m all about enhancement and improvement! But our celeb culture shouts loudly that looks count. Only. So what do your lips, cheekbones, breasts and even your butt say about you? Do they say you are stylish, rich, sexually desirable, or insecure and dissatisfied? With the plastic surgery numbers as high as they are and only growing, it appears as if many Americans believe what our looks say about us is far more important to work on than what our personality — and its engine, our character — does. And more than ever, people are asking their surgeons for Angelina Jolie’s juicy mouth, or George Clooney’s strong chin, and reality show superstar Kim Kardashian’s bountiful booty, without any regard to appropriateness/fit at best, and distortion and the risk of psycho-emotional and physical pain, at worst.

Here’s the 411 for anyone unfamiliar with the recent Kim Kardashian-wannabe fan Twitter incident.

While Kardashian’s speedy response was lauded by (if not surprising to) many, and no one seems to dispute this fan is suffering from a scary case of SWF-syndrome, with a heaping tablespoon of low self-esteem folded into the mix, the CNN reporters‘ vapid so-called “debate” is truly what’s disturbing to me.

I would expect such insipid questions and this sort of trashy arguing on the Insider (with its shit stirring tag line, Which side are you on?) and ET but this faux Cross Fire exchange is only insightful to the very, very young or people with A.D.D. Can’t allegedly real news outlets fulfill their duty to be more responsible to their viewers by offering a more insightful look at the disturbing underlying cultural trends? I know how the business works but must it completely fail itself and us so often? No wonder the once-venerable (the Smart not Pretty Girl from the block) CNN is failing.

Again, they were pseudo-debating this “story” not “subject” — there’s a big difference, and it ain’t pretty so it doesn’t get much air time — its upshot is that our culture doesn’t promote real and sustainable self-esteem born of the work and achievement of inner beauty of average (that’s most of us, folks!) people (especially those of the beleaguered female gender). In fact, it’s deeply economically incentivized (fashion, cosmetics, elective surgery industries, et al) to perpetuate the beauty myth instead. And when you have a culture that values looks over character then is it any wonder more and more dissatisfied people behave as though they can buy happiness? …Sigh!…Then again…beauty does count to us mere humankies. What’s my diligent self-care when I feel overly consumed by someone’s looks over their talent, words, or real merit? It’s spirituality to the rescue for me as I run my deep breathing, clarity exercise imagining a beautiful glowing and white light of Truth running through my 3rd, 4th, 5th, the will power, heart and third eye chakras, and connect that light to their heart. And then I am more able to open my ears to the messenger.

What trend or subject(s) show you that our culture seems to dissuade developing actual self-esteem in girls and women? How have you found the beauty industry to be an ugly enabler of shallowness than to enhance one’s true confidence? Which news sources do you count of for a more in-depth, balanced look at our culture’s trends/our psyches?

SITE IMAGE NOTICE: The images used on this website are believed to be public domain. If you feel any of these images or videos are violating your copyright, please contact (simone.popsmarts@gmail.com) and we will remove them as soon as possible.

© 2010 Simone da Rosa and PopSmarts™. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.


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High Tech Low Connection (updated)

10 Jul

Do cell phones, texts, emails and socials in fact facilitate communications, or are they the ruination of real relationships? From even the analog Halcyon Days on, I was known as Gadget Girl to my friends. But as much as I adore my gadgets and technology, does constant tech babbling make us more or actually less connected to each other?

I’ve seen the arc, having worked for years heavily with tech clients, including the giants whose products and services we all use ubiquitously daily. First there was the “digital divide” controversy that gave way (or at least media time) to the truncated and face-to-face disconnection of emailing, to concerns that our hyper texting children’s endangered development including poor spelling and socializing/-ation/skills, and finally to our current social networking phenomenon. In its short six-year existence, Facebook has changed the face of everything from job-hunting to high school reunions. But…are we really “friends”?

While this sort of tech feels like an extended appendage one can’t live without for people like me, are our communications improving and clearer — faster and more efficient, yes but — is our eternal search for human connection enhanced, meaningful and fully understood, appreciated as intended?

Right on cue, relationship deepening companies like Microsoft are rolling out the Kin a device specifically for the social networking set to meet up, tweet and fo twizzle with people in their “circle” on the go, and San Francisco start-up, DailyBooth.com, allows 6 million users to leverage “a picture is worth 1000 words” adage and communicate forgoing words all together. Picture this: I’m chanting, “Just because we have the technology, doesn’t mean we’re qualified to use it. Om.”

While (and although) those who know me in RL (I feel safe to report they tell me) consider me snarkily funny, quick witted and utilitarianly clever, and I have developed relationships for literally thousands of clients and friends, have stable personal interactions, online I have experienced: being abruptly schooled and Un-Friended on Facebook, asked to repeat myself in email and a 7th circle of hell loop until even I didn’t understand what I meant anymore, and Denied! by a PR outlet for actually writing too clearly, which  ironically managed to tip my piece over to not complying with their submission rules. I can’t recall experiencing anywhere near this level of misunderstanding and frustration in my RL communications as an adult!

At times like these, all I can do is pray to the Tech Gods to help me accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know when to Shut Down (and yet…stay open). I positively tingle with feeling that all seven of my chakras are pinged and involved in such tech comms bombs and mos def due for an upgrade — there must be a Clarity v.5.0 app for that.

Has technology helped or hindered your communications, deepened or made your relationships shallower? How do you make the most of your communication devices, online communication time, what’s your favorite messaging delivery system? Is it a different experience for you versus the kids in your life?

7.14 UPDATE: Great addition needed to share, ‘Women Feel Need to Always “Be On”‘. Also, ‘The First Thing Young Women Do When They Wake Up: Check Facebook’.

Image: Gurumustuk Singh

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© 2010 Simone da Rosa and PopSmarts™. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.


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‘Twilight’: More Dysfunctional Romantic Notions Coming Soon!

27 Jun

There’s a new moon ‘Eclipse’ on the horizon which makes this as good a time as any to discuss the unceasingly naive romantic notions that our movies and culture shove down the throats of girls, the worst of which center on – you guessed it – “relationships.”

Twilight shapes dysfunctional young girls

Let me be super clear that I’m not a Twilight hater, but I haven’t read any of Stephanie Myer’s series and I know that makes me an oddball (especially for a girl). So please pardon my self-acknowledged ignorance of the written material, but rest-assured that I’ve been informed clearly by those in the know that Myer does a great job of explaining “It” more fully in her books.  Greater, I hope, than the ways the movie franchise has so-far handled “It”: True Love.

From Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People:

Oh. My. God. The new Twilight: Eclipse (isn’t that a kind of gum?) poster is so emo, I fear it may actually try to cut itself. (Agent Bedhead) *

Exactly. In our culture, it’s not like there’s a plethora of healthy amorous relationships for young girls to emulate to begin with. How is any self-respecting girl supposed to grow up to be a self-respecting woman in relationships (and even before that, single or in her quest for them) when this influential franchise puts out such misleading messages? Note the post break-up depression scene in New Moon, with female lead Bella sitting catatonic in a chair, numb to the passage of time as the seasons go morosely by. This is as if to ask, what sort of life could this interesting girl possibly have without a boy/man (albeit a hot century-old one needing SPF 300 and fang tip protectors) to define her?

(And yes, I do remember being eighteen, but I might’ve been closer to thirteen when everything registered “10” on the Richter scale of drama. I suppose, on top of my rant about pop culture’s schmaltzy selling of True Love, I’m a bit oldschool in my wariness of enabling yet more psycho-emotional developmental retardation in Gen Y and younger. That can’t be good for them…or us…)

Moon Over Who I Am(mi)

When I was a teen, I connected with my future “perfect guy” by spiritually – and pragmatically – thinking about what qualifying qualities he would need: supportive of my vision and successes in life, a fully realized adult himself, and most of all… happy. I didn’t waste too much time on what he would look like, or if he would have to be rich, or what he would do for a living.  (For the record, I did seriously debate whether or not I could ever marry for money… My answer was ‘no,’ which meant I would have to go out and make my own money!)  To this day, I still spiritually conjure up what I want – and who I want – by knowing what does and doesn’t work for me.  I’ve realized that developing a sense of self is very spiritual and all about connecting to your highest purpose.

What do you think?

Have we been so deeply imprinted by cultural messages that we’ve become disconnected from our own thoughts and values enough that the media can dictate how we feel about — well, ourselves and what we look for in relationships? The Twilight series plot points remind me of reasons why a lot of grown women I know seem to be frustrated and perpetually searching for some ideal man who doesn’t exist outside a fantasy serial. These beautiful women are waiting around for the “rescue” (whether amorous, financial or otherwise) before they give themselves permission to start living fully. Am I just under-informed or overwrought about the harmful message in this movie franchise’s True Love messaging?

Please, enlighten me, Twilight freakistas. The example of oh-so-desolate Bella simply triggered my internal dialogue.  What do you think about the media’s harmful portrayal and perpetuation of True Love? Does the Twilight series fall in line with the rest of the negative relationship models out there?

* Since this article ran originally, I’ve been schooled that this sort of sarcasm is a dangerous exploitation of the self-harm that some people suffer from. That was and is not my intention, and I do not belittle the seriousness of such afflictions, but I leave the remark as is here for the expression that supports my article’s original point.

SITE IMAGE NOTICE: The images used on this website are believed to be public domain. If you feel any of these images or videos are violating your copyright, please contact (simone.popsmarts@gmail.com) and we will remove them as soon as possible.

© 2010 Simone da Rosa and PopSmarts™. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.


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